Keep smiling and keep shining knowing you can always count on me, for sure that’s what friends are for in good times and bad times I’ll be on your side forever more that’s what friends are for is what the song says by Dionne Warwick but yet why is it so hard for some of us as parents caregivers of children with special needs to have friends or should I say have friends that truly understand the meaning of that word and what it means to us as those parents or caregivers. We need friends too, we need adult conversations, we need support, we need love, we need kindness, but most of all we need respect and understanding.
I recently came across this letter on another site and it got me thinking this is so true for so many parents and this letter actually made me want to be friends with this women too I mean that is all we really want is for people to understand and be our friends like us for who we are, like our children for who they are, accept them for who they are and not what the disability may or may not be. Disability is not Inability our children are not handicapped or retarded they are special because of who they are not what they have. They are special because God made them that way for us, we are the chosen parents caregivers and yes we often feel like God has called us to a task that is too big, or too much for us at times? We have often felt not qualified to do something or felt like a failure or not worthy? but truth is God doesn’t Choose the Qualified, God Qualifies the Chosen and we are the chosen. These children are our gifts we are their blessings.
We are wives, husbands, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends our families and these children are number one in our lives, we often have other children that need us as well, its not easy being parents of children with special needs but its worth it more than people realize. We often have to juggle, balance our children’s lives family life we often have doctors, appointments, hospitalizations, other commitments for our other kids, school activities, very seldom do we get the Mommy time or Spouse time we wish we could like other people but do we complain no we don’t because we find the beauty in our lives through our children. I understand what this women is asking and maybe if we all as friends that either know of a special needs child in our lives neighborhoods asked ourselves these questions we could learn how to be a better friend and not a unforgiving or judgmental friend.
My preschooler has a playmate who was recently diagnosed with autism. I know I don’t have to tell you about the trials that my kids’ friend and the friend’s parents and siblings will experience in the coming months and years. I am curious, though, how can we be better friends to them? I feel a little helpless sometimes. I can see the mom struggle, and I stupidly ask, “How can I help?” There has to be something more I can do to help this awesome woman who has awesome kids.
I am sure my mom friend receives tons of unsolicited advice on how to “treat” her kid’s condition, and I certainly don’t want to add my two cents there. I just want to be someone she can depend on to call if she needs to vent, to watch one or both of her kids in a pinch, or to just be the mom of a constant companion in her child’s life. Help!
Many thanks,
M.
So what is the answer or a solution how do we become better friends or how do we be a good friend to a Special Needs Parent?
1. Babysit-Everyone of us needs a break, everyone of us needs 2 hours for a mani/pedi, to just shop or run errands alone, lunch with a friend , organize or clean our home, catch up on bills, laundry, time with our other children or a simple romantic dinner with our spouse, so why not extend the offer of a morning, afternoon, or even an evening of free babysitting.
2. Invite us over- Let our families and children get to know you and allow us to get to know your families. We are hurt when we are excluded it makes us feel that we or are children are not worthy of your friendship and your time. If we can’t make it that is not a reflection on you or your family it’s because perhaps our children are ill or we are, or we may have doctors appointment, or family school activities. If we know as far enough in advance we can plan it and put it on our calendars. Things happen and emergencies crop up so know that if we can’t do it this time we would love the opportunity to re-schedule for another time.
3. Be Flexible-we have to be flexible due to the nature of our circumstances so if our friends could be flexible with us it will take alot of the stress of us and make us feel less emotional about having to cancel at the last minute. It’s really great when we can have friends that treat a last minute cancellation like it’s not a big deal.
4. Listen to us-Sometimes that is all we really need someone to listen to us and allow us to vent how we feel.
5. Giving Advice-It is all in the tone and how you say it to us, none of us are perfect parents, none of us know everything so don’t act and try like you do. We are all for personal experiences and learning what has or has not worked for you but what we don’t want is the “What we should do” things like “I don’t know if this will work for you, but what has worked for us is” we as parents caregivers of children with special needs are sometimes so busy and so wrapped up in our circumstances that often it is hard for us to see the forest for the trees but we need that reality check sometimes.
6. Encourage us-Tell us we are strong, tell us we are doing a great job, tell us we are wonderful advocates, ask us if we might want that glass of wine…..We don’t get enough appreciation shown sometimes we all need to hear it once and awhile.
7. Helping each Other-As friends just because we are busy does not mean we can not be a good friend to you ask us for help every once and awhile if and when you need it. We still want to know and hear about what is going on in your lives and what we can do to help you. We want to be a good listener when you need it most.
I don’t know if it’s jealousy, or others insecurities that make them single people out, or talk about others behind their back, bad mouth those that are trying to do good for others, to me it’s because they have nothing better to do but be miserable and not willing to make the changes they need too in their own lives so they choose to complain and bad mouth to anyone that will listen to them that only makes them look callous and ignorant. Those are the ones you don’t need in your life. The other thing we need to do is encourage our other children to be good friends to those children with special needs so that they can grow up with the understanding and compassion that to get a blessing in your life you need to be a blessing to someone else in their life. Teach them about friendship and encourage them to invite our children into their lives and homes and form a bond that will last a lifetime. The unconditional love and support they will get is the biggest lesson they can be taught something you don’t learn in a classroom. Teach them that EVERYONE MATTERS, People matter. That’s what FRIENDS are for!
JAN